Well it’s sort of all in the title, isn’t it? The goal is to abstain from alcohol for the month of February. That’s it, no booze for 28 days. If this sounds impossible, congratulations, you’re a normal social human being.

Why participate?

Honestly. It’s a lame-ass movement created by uuber christians and married couples whose social lives have since died, probably long before you were born. These are the types that spend New years reading bible passages and praying the world doesn’t fall of its’ tilt. If you’re bound to fall for this ploy, you can fall for anything. That being said, I’m officially declaring February ‘Fornication February’, where to get through the long winter, you hire me to help you get some. Most importantly, February is the shortest month, which means rent is due a lot sooner.

But dont let this become 'Boring February.'

"This isn’t your chance to sit at home by yourself and finish your nerd projects, nerd. Half of the challenge is to stay social and get out of the house in the dead of winter. Go to concerts, comedy, movies, parties, and yes even bars. You know, have fun." I.E. Stay at home and watch re-runs of "Castle" because if you were to go to a concert without a drink you’d die of thirst; a comedy club without shots means you realize the comedian isn’t funny just pretentious; movies will make you realize you spent the price of five beers to see Anne Hathaway fall in love again; The only parties that don’t include liquor have all the boredom you could stand with plenty left to fill your Tupperware full of abstinence; If you go to a bar and don’t plan to drink, you’re a moron. And a nerd.

Is this some teetotaling, abolitionist movement?Yes. I blame Sarah Palin, yet little does she realize without alcohol she wouldn’t have a grandkid. Moreover what those extremists don’t realize is without alcohol fueled beatings, Palin’s husband wouldn’t be able to keep her in line and Alaska would’ve been declared a dictatorship a long time ago.

What about your other vices?

"We don’t care what else you do during the month. You shouldn’t just replace booze with other drugs, but we’ll turn a blind eye to the occasional indiscretion (*cough*)." Now I can’t help but wonder if the right-wingers really are behind this. I should’ve known better, since most Republicans are drunkards. 
Don’t turn to pot. I don’t care if you smoke, but contrary to what you may think, pot doesn’t help you get laid: If you care to disagree, then it pains me to inform you that a girl knocked unconscious by marijuana is not consenting and you’ve probably committed rape.

Problem areas:

The three biggest hang ups for everyone are Valentine’s Day, the Oscars and the Superbowl, and for good reason. On V Day, you’ll be depressed and remember how to load your gun. If you watch The Oscars sober, you’ll last three minutes before saying “WHY THE F*@! AM I WATCHING THIS SH*T before throwing your tv through a window in a fit of rage. For the Superbowl, assuming you give a damn about the two teams in it, you’ll be forced to experience every miserable commercial and godforsaken halftime show with no excuse to leave for the kitchen. The result will be similar to V Day.

So what should you do? Drink up. Instead, celebrate “Facial Hair February” and challenge yourself with trying to pick up a chick with some man-whiskers. Or better yet, “Fornication February”, and call me. Bruce Collins.
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